For a long time I thought I had moved on from past hurts and disappointments. I felt that by treating certain people in disdain and avoiding them, I would be protected. After all, I didn’t need them-to HELL with them!
On the inside, I still harbored the memories of what they had done. I held on to that anger. It comforted me in all my righteousness.
But, I was still hurt by BOTH their lack of recognition for what they had done and for the acts they presently committed.
Why didn’t they love me, accept me or believe in me?
I was living a life of contradiction-an oxymoronic life actually.
Oxymorons can be defined as, “A clever set of exact opposites which are supposed to represent two opposite sides of the spectrum but somehow also reflect the great GRAY in between(Not to be confused with 50 shades).”
I started to reflect and began to analyze everything including the name of my page.
The Quiet Scream-a perfect oxymoron and a perfect example of everything in-between; all that is implied but not directly expressed. A scream is by no means quiet unless there is something stopping the sound from being heard. A tree that falls within a forest still makes a sound (despite popular belief), just as a scream only heard in your head equally makes its mark through your feelings, thoughts and ultimately behavior.
So why so serious? (Indeed, the correct way to read that is the way Heath Ledger’s Joker character said it)
Joking aside, why are we so intent on hiding from the truth? What’s wrong with being sad, or angry or even scared? The myriad of emotions are very much like a rainbow. Would a rainbow be as beautiful without the color blue, or red or even indigo? NO! All the colors are important and make a rainbow, a rainbow.
Within each emotion is a subset of that emotion- the healthy version and the unhealthy one.
Let’s start with ANGER.
ANGER is a great emotion. It helps you re-affirm your boundaries. It helps you discover what you don’t like so that you may recognize what you want.
The main difference between healthy and unhealthy is basically whether or not you have control over your emotions. Do YOU use them to guide you or do THEY take over and control you?
I very much believe that certain elements, although not visible, can take up physical space. Take AIR for example. You can’t see it, but it’s everywhere. The proof is that you’re breathing it but can you see it? NO!
Emotions are quite similar. You can’t see them but you can certainly feel them. Holding on to Anger takes up space within your spirit. After a while, anger can transform into a dagger-like object that is one sided and only hurts YOU.
Although Anger is important-we should only use it to help guide us to our feelings and then we have to LET IT GO (Just like that annoying Disney song).
Letting it go is not easy, not at all! It involves forgiveness. Forgiveness is in no way an acceptance for what was done to you. Whatever past hurts you experienced at the hands of others was WRONG. Whether or not they ever recognize it and take ownership is a separate matter entirely. You may not have had control for what was done to you in the past but YOU are not that same person anymore. You’re bigger and stronger. YOU have control now.
Forgive them for YOUR peace of mind. They may not be deserving of this act but above all else, you do not deserve to carry around this emotion and keep getting hurt. You deserve peace and happiness.
Forgiveness is a very conscious effort. In order to get an intangible object out, you must change its form. Make it tangible-make it visible. There are different ways to do this but some of the more common ways may be to write a letter to the person, journal about it or speak it out loud to someone else or just yourself. The point here is to expel it from you in a concrete form. Make sure you get it all out. Don’t hold back!
Once it’s out, VALIDATE IT. Recognize the pain and hurt and perhaps even the role you played in it. Allow the tears to expel from your eyes. Imagine that each tear is wiping away the dirt that has built up over time. This is a cleansing.
As you speak the words, imagine all the pain being carried away. If you wrote a letter-burn it and imagine the ashes carrying away their power over you.
You are free now.
I read somewhere once the notion that instead of building ourselves up, we are instead removing the toxins and false beliefs that have piled onto us and that are not of our true nature.
I firmly believe we were born with EVERYTHING we are meant to be. All that skill and talent is already inside of us but perhaps life has exposed us to persons or situations that have made us see ourselves differently.
Imagine you are in a fun-house of mirrors; you see your distorted reflection and believe it to be accurate.
Similar to the Plato’s Allegory of the cave, what you have perceived to be reality may be distorted and not in its truest form.
“…Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
‘A Return To Love’ (1992) by Marianne Williamson
Today, I challenge you to make peace with your feelings and to let go of that, which you cannot control.
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